As the social status of women in Korean society has rapidly improved, generations that were suppressed by patriarchal culture now coexist with generations that are no longer constrained by it. This essay emphasizes the need for understanding and communication to address the intergenerational conflicts and the inner struggles of women that arise from this situation.
Looking back over the past century, Korean society has undergone significant sociocultural changes. Among these, the most noticeable transformation is the rise in the social status of Korean women. In the past, Korean society was pervasive with male-centered norms, and it was common for women to focus solely on household duties without engaging in social activities. Women were expected to dedicate themselves to their husbands, parents, and children as a virtue. However, as times changed and women’s status improved, modern women now pursue their own careers and are no longer solely bound to the home. Yet, this elevation in women’s status did not occur naturally or gradually; it happened rapidly due to factors like sudden democratization and the introduction of Western culture. Consequently, our society now sees the coexistence of generations oppressed by a patriarchal society and those no longer bound by it. This dynamic is vividly portrayed in Shin Kyung-sook’s novel Please Look After Mother, which depicts an ordinary Korean family. The novel presents the traditional female archetype, devoted solely to the household, through the mother’s character, while the newly emerging female archetype is embodied by the daughter.
The novel begins when the mother, who has dementia and has moved from the countryside to Seoul, is lost on the subway. The book unfolds in parts, told from the perspectives of the family members: the father, the eldest son, the eldest daughter, and the second daughter. It depicts the confusion, pain, regret, and the process of understanding the mother’s existence that each experiences after losing her. The ‘mother’ in this novel is a quintessential traditional Korean woman: married young without ever knowing her husband’s face, she devoted her life to her children, later sending them all off to live their own lives, and finally living alone with her husband. The first half of the book features the children recounting their thoughts about the mother they lost. The mother described by her children is portrayed as a nurturing presence, like the typical mothers of old, who devoted her entire life to her family without a moment to reflect on herself. In contrast, in the latter part of the book, where the mother speaks about her own life, she is depicted as a woman who experienced the same desires and anguish as any other woman, before she became the devoted mother her children described. In particular, she had to give up her own love without even knowing if it was love, endure her husband’s infidelity, and sacrifice her entire youth to raise her children. She agonized over this life, feeling emptiness, confusion, and other emotions, yet no one in the family knew of this pain, and she herself did not wish to confide in anyone.
The reason this book is beloved by so many is that it allows people to feel nostalgia, longing, and gratitude for their mothers. Readers primarily empathize with the sorrow of a child who has lost their mother, the regret of having wronged her, and the gratitude for the love received, finding a sense of shared experience. But more than the children’s grief, my attention was drawn to how my mother had lived her entire life suppressing herself, caught in a whirlpool of unknowable emotions. That was what truly broke my heart. I felt this struggle arose because our society’s culture changed too rapidly, and the mother’s generation and the daughter’s generation were simply too different. The mother’s generation must have felt profound doubt about themselves when seeing daughters so different from themselves. Watching daughters live freely, pursuing their passions without being bound by family, rather than seeing marriage of convenience and raising children as life’s goal, made them reflect anew on their own lives. If the daughters or daughters-in-law in this novel had lived lives identical to their mothers’, would such anguish and suffering have tormented the mothers so deeply? If it had been fifty years ago, or even further back in the Joseon Dynasty, when daughters and daughters-in-law lived lives mirroring their mothers’ and this was considered natural, and the house was filled with children and grandchildren, perhaps the mothers would have been happy. But times changed, and Mom was left alone at home. Feeling utterly different from the young women outside, she must have been consumed by a sense of abandonment, loneliness, and contemplation about what she had lived for.
In fact, according to a survey conducted by a radio program, the most common concern among women in their 50s to 70s who have devoted themselves to their families is about their own existence. That is, they feel pain because they couldn’t find their true selves in the life they’ve lived so far, thinking they only lived for someone else and that they never had a life of their own. Furthermore, because there is no one who understands these concerns, most suffer alone. Consequently, they cannot find the courage to reclaim their own lives even now. Instead, they dwell on the past, reminiscing about the countless things they had to give up, perpetuating a vicious cycle. The pain stemming from such worries and confusion is likely no different from what the mother in the novel felt.
Some might dismiss these concerns as trivial matters anyone could face in daily life. However, such worries and suffering have a greater impact than one might think. Indeed, the mother in the novel constantly suffered from inexplicable headaches, enduring great pain because of them. I believe these headaches stemmed from the worries and anguish she endured. Yet her children, completely unaware of the cause, simply regarded her headaches as a physical illness and took her to the hospital. They never once seriously reflected on their mother’s feelings, so they completely failed to notice she was carrying such worries and anguish. Ultimately, her headaches became the decisive factor leading to her losing her mind on the subway and going missing. This shows that the worries and suffering women experience today are by no means trivial matters, and that we are completely failing to notice them.
I once visited the homes of elderly people living alone and encountered many individuals facing similar struggles to the ‘mother’ in the novel. Many felt disillusioned with the days they had lived, burdened by a difficult past they had to endure alone, and consumed by self-loathing about their present selves. Yet, there was no one to listen to these worries or offer comfort. I found it deeply heartbreaking to see these people, unable to find their true selves, lamenting while waiting for death. Typically, these elderly individuals refrain from sharing their worries first, not wanting to trouble their children or family. Their children and family, in turn, remain completely unaware that their mother is suffering in this way. Indeed, in the novel itself, the children diligently supported their mother materially, but made no effort to communicate with her emotionally. I pondered what approach might be best to address the problems of this mother generation. Initially, I thought of creating gatherings where the mother generation could interact, comforting each other’s worries and circumstances, or providing social support to help seniors develop their individual strengths—like gardening or singing—into productive hobbies. But no matter how I thought about it, these solutions felt like giving painkillers to someone with an illness. The fundamental cure, I believe, lies in families’ efforts to understand the worries of the mother generation and help them recognize that their lives were not in vain.
Our society could develop so rapidly precisely because mothers in countless households supported it. Yet, to support their families and children, these mothers had to forgo countless opportunities in their own lives and sacrifice much. It is profoundly sad that after dedicating themselves so completely, leaving so much behind, they now find themselves in such sorrowful distress and confusion. The younger generation today, who do not absolutely obey or dedicate themselves to the family, may not understand the pain of their mothers’ generation. It’s truly difficult to comprehend that suffering when you yourself are not in pain. However, if we try to understand and communicate with the mothers’ generation, they will no longer suffer. At the very least, I hope many people recognize this fact and make an effort, so that fewer people suffer headaches like the mother in Please Look After Mother.
